It feels so good to be in your open arms. You are a warm, familiar hug that soothes my soul like nothing else will. I breathe more deeply when my feet hit the ground in your presence. Sensations of home envelop me in the cool breeze of the Pacific.
It's November. The weather is delicious. Most days are sunny, with clear blue skies and an occasional scattered cloud. The temperature is an average of seventy to seventy-five degrees while the sun is dancing in the sky sharing it’s warmth
You have no idea how much I miss you on burning, hot af days of summer in Texas. Summers in Texas have tortured me since the day I left you. I know…right? What was I thinking?
Thank you for holding the people I love. They are home to me, just as you are.
Rebecca
Years ago, you brought me together with my friend Rebecca when she relocated to Cali from Miami. She was twenty-two. I was twenty-four at the time. I’m fifty-eight now. According to the math, we’ve been friends for thirty-four years and counting.
This girl is the free spirit who has always called me out of my comfort zone. She encourages me to say yes despite my anxiety. She lives life fearlessly. I admire that about her. Her strength and resilience inspire me.
We met while working together for a luxury apartment complex in Studio City. She was the new, quiet, shy receptionist with a million-dollar smile. I was the friendly, social butterfly, bookkeeper. On her birthday, I insisted that we go out to lunch. She was new in town. I thought she could use a friend, and just like that, that’s what we were.
Eventually, she pulled me away from the comfort of my mother's apartment to become her roommate. I’m more of a comfort zone kind of girl. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to afford living on my own. I paid rent at my mom’s, but it was minimal compared to real rent. It was the best decision ever.
My first day in that apartment, I sat on my bed, staring out the window, taking it all in. The quiet. Except for the dog whose hollow bark echoed through the courtyard. No one would be coming in to tell me what I need to do while I'm trying to relax. Negotiating with my mother over the heat and air conditioner was now a thing of the past.
Rebecca is still talking me into things to this day, including in early November when she invited me to come to Cali to stay at her house for two weeks while she traveled to Italy. Not only would she give me access to the quiet space she calls home, she also offered me her cushy SUV to drive as needed while I was in town.
All I had to do in return was take care of her fury child, Mega. Before I arrived, she forgot to tell me I would also care for her bossy goldfish, Sunshine. Have you ever met a goldfish who curses you out first thing in the morning, ordering to be fed, NOW?
Yeah. Neither had I until I met Sunshine.
Rebecca knows more than anything, I need time and space to rest and reset.
Intensive writing requires quiet. There are moments of quiet at home, but quiet is not guaranteed. Sometimes, it’s not even about the quiet. Because I am an empath, it can be about the energy. Other people’s energy can be exhausting, especially when moods fluctuate often. I have carried the weight of other people’s energy for far too long. I’m working on changing that, but it’s a work in progress.
I have been doing so much healing work in the past few years, my energy has changed. When you develop tools to build positive energy, any additional energy mixing with yours can feel heavy.
I am blessed to have friends who extend themselves to me graciously. Their generosity makes me feel like maybe I’m doing something right in this world.
Rebecca’s place is lovely, and it’s all hers. It’s decorated just the way she wants it, with no input, compromise or negotiations with anyone.
As I look around in her space, I start giving my life choices the serious side-eye. Yeah. I realize everything in life happens as it is supposed to. Without the choices I made in my life, I wouldn’t be here writing you today.
But still…side-eye.
Her oversized patio with east-facing morning sun is the place of my dreams. What a gift. She knew I would love sitting here every morning having coffee, writing, thinking and contemplating. I love her for that.
Recently, I participated in a group workshop. When the facilitator asked us to write a list our needs, several of us put “time alone” at the top of our list.
As the sun washes my face and massages me gently, I sit on a brown, wicker love seat on the patio. There’s just enough room for my new best friend, Mega, Becca’s medium sized, terrier mix. I breathe deeply. Inhale to the count of four. Exhale to the count of six. Rinse and repeat all day long. Mind-clearing meditation to the sound of babbling water from the man-made creek behind her house is pure heaven.
Sun, water, solitude, and silence. These are a few of my favorite things.
Here’s a Reel I created to summerize my retreat:
Rebecca has extended the offer for me to come house-sit, rest, and clear my mind, in the past. She knows how much being in California soothes my soul. I usually allow my anxiety to say no, even when my body is screaming, YES! Bitch! This is what we need! Are you f-ing kidding me? Pack your bags!
When she first said two-weeks, I thought, there is no way I can be away for that long. And it’s during Thankgiving!
In this year of “yes” I accepted. My son and my husband agreed to help take care of my mom while I am away, which would include Thankgiving Day. I didn’t know how they would pull it off, and I didn’t care! I jumped online and made my reservation before I could change my mind.
I am eternally grateful for my husband and son for their support of my peace and rest. It turns out when you fill your own depleated energy, it actually benefits your family.
My twenty-four year old son totally handled Thanksgiving. He shopped. He cooked. He bought some side dishes, made fresh vegetables and brought home a Pecan Pie for dessert. He gets his cooking and entertaining skills from my side of the family.
They took dinner around the corner to my mom’s apartment. amd stayed to visit with her for a while. I am so proud of him. Now I know I can leave for the holidays whenever I want, which will probably be always.
Well, what do you know? My family survived without me. As mothers many of us are conditioned to believe that we have to handle everything. We start to believe we are indispensable, thus building our own cage of obligation.
Guess what!? They will survive! We get so used to doing everything we start to believe that we have to. WE don’'t!!!
2023 has been the year of “yes” to myself. No more overthinking and talking myself out of what I need.
"Desire needs space." -Esther Perel
This thirtieth year of marriage has been challenging. In fact, every since Covid and my husband stopped traveling for work, we have been off whack. Years of business travel helped us keep our marriage together. Too much togetherness can be unhealthy when you’ve been married this long.
This is another reason why I say yes to travel alone, more often.
I keep hoping the periodic absence will help our relationship. I know for sure that it is helping my mental health.
The exhausting season of holidays makes me want to crawl into a cave and hide until it's over. Only I'm not too fond of caves. I thrive on the sun, but you get what I'm saying.
My love of the sun is one of the things I love about you, my dear Californ-I.A!
Was it fate for me to grow here in you, my lovely sunshine state?
I’m glad my father had the vision to move here from St. Louis all those years ago, and my mother was open enough to try it in order to keep our family together.
I was meant to grow up on these California beaches, and in the community I lived in.
I don’t know if it’s normal to miss home so much after all of these years of living somewhere else. People relocate all of the time. Why can’t I just move on? Maybe, it’s because there is nothing normal about me. Maybe, I romanticize you like an old lover. All I can think about is the good times. Life in Texas has been so much more complicated than I ever imagined.
Luckily for me, I didn’t have to cook for Thanksgiving this year. I had the honor and privilege of just showing up to my nephew’s beautiful, new home with his new bride. My only contribution to dinner was wine, because I didn’t have to cook the wine.
During my Cali escape, I enjoyed moments spent with my siblings and catching up with my girlfriends, Jenny and Mary, over brunch and cocktails. It was pure pleasure. They are all home to me.
I haven’t been able to replicate this feeling of home here in Texas. Texas is where I own a home. It’s where I live, but it is not, and I don’t think it ever will be home to me.
During this trip home I visited my son’s new apartment in the San Fernando Valley. Ironically, his place is not far from my first apartment in Studio City.
I also met him for lunch in Burbank at the YardHouse. Ironically, he was born in Burbank at St.Joseph’s Hospital on September 18th, 1995.
We shared another full-circle, nostalgic moment when I dropped him off for a job interview on Brand Boulevard in Glendale. Glendale is where we lived when he was born! I used to walk past that building with him in a stroller in the first year of his life. We lived around the corner in a cute little townhouse on Isabel Street.
The nostalgic person I am had to drive over to the townhouse we used to call home.
There is so much history here. I left you, dear Cali, for a simpler life in Texas. A slower pace to raise our children, to buy our first house, and make it a home.
Looking back, my life seemed simple when I lived here in this crazy, crowded, busy city. Then again, growing up in the seventies and eighties was a simpler time.
Would raising the boys here be easy? Probably not.
Nevertheless my dear Cali, thank you for holding me, my memories, and all the people who are home to me.
Please keep my son safe in these L.A. streets. I know it’s not the same as when I grew up here, but he is back home, where he was born. The place I will always call my home.
I love you forever…
Always your girl,
"Sun, water, solitude, and silence. These are a few of my favorite things." ~> What a wonderful list.
Cali is my second home and this letter (+ video) warmed my heart. I’ll be back there in the Spring and for this I am most grateful. There’s something about my feet hitting that part of the earth...well, you know...