Good morning ☀️
This is me, Karen
Live! Unedited. Rambling.
Writing is hard.
I can't focus.
My ADHD is on steroids.
It's definitely, not under control.
Will it ever be?
I don’t really know.
Yesterday, was one of those days when everything seemed impossible.
Too hard, too much energy, too much everything.
I give up!
There's too much crap going on in the world right now.
An unarmed black woman, in her nightgown, in her own home, in her kitchen, was executed by police…again!
In her own home!
No one has any idea how often the police have been in MY home
We had to make the impossible decision to call for mental health support because one of my sons was in danger.
They send the police first, before a trained mental health, professional.
Thankfully, no one was harmed. Physically.
It still haunts me to this day.
Especially, when another black person is killed by police.
No one knows how it scared the shit out of me to have white police officers in my house! One, who was sporting a gun tattoo!
This is f*#%ing Texas!
I still have nightmares about what could have happened!
I still live with fear lingering in the back of my mind for my black, autistic, sons! Especially, the one who lives 1500 miles away!
The one who is so unpredictable.
I never know if I can actually rest peacefully.
Now I realize, not only should I fear altercations with the police for my sons. I fear for my own life! For my husband, nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters, and cousins!
Racism and hatred is more pervasive than I've ever seen in my lifetime.
Kamala Harris is running for President.
Great!
My first reaction when I read the news?
Holy shit!
They are going to eviscerate her!
The disrespect they will throw at this accomplished, black, woman will be relentless!
The racist, white supremacist, patriarchy were already BIG MAD after Barack Obama’s Presidency.
They are going to lose what’s left of their minds, when she wins and starts putting their criminal asses in jail.
Oh! And then yesterday, the United States Congress gave Netan-yoo-hoo an audience, full-on, with clapping, and a standing f-ing ovation!
There is no way Kamala can come in and make everyone happy.
They will blame her for everything wrong with the mess she tries to clean up, and not give her credit for her successes.
I hate it here!
After my session with my Creative Coach yesterday, I was so exasperated with my outline and book proposal, I wanted to quit!
Why am I writing this book?
I will never finish it!
I won't make any money.
It will cost me money!
It already has.
Is this just an expensive hobby?
Who cares about a memoir about my mediocre, little, life when the world is a shit-show?
Bam!
I close my laptop!
Put away all of my notebooks, and took myself out for a margarita at 4 pm.
The bartender who somehow knows me says, “You’re here early today!”
(Just kidding. I know him too. Very well.)
After that, I came home and walked around the corner to do my caregiving, running-another-household, duties.
Walked home, chilled for a bit, and then ate desert because, I saved so many calories by not eating a real dinner.
You’re too old for this sh*t, Karen! You need to do better.
I prayed for my family and thanked God for the people who are thus far supporting Kamala’s campaign. But Lord, the next hundred days are going to be long!
Then I took my unhappy ass to sleep.
I Woke up this morning.
I took a hot shower.
Made myself clean and cute!
I even put on lipgloss and earrings.
Went downstairs to my office…
and got back to work on my outline and book proposal.
Writing is hard, but I can not stop.
Pray for me. I pray for all of us.
Love, Karen
BTW…this is a new feature of the Substack App. I can post from my phone! You're welcome for all of the typos and grammar errors, because the feature isn't perfect yet, and neither am I.
Thank you for reading my words and supporting my work. My post are mostly free because I want more eyes to have access to read. However, I am writing to earn a living to create independence for myself. As a mother who has worked for “free” for so many years. I missed out on many years to pay into my own retirement fund so paid subscribers are especially appreciated.
It’s also big time support and feels validating when you comment, share, and follow or subscribe.
If you are so moved, you can always support by making a one, time donation towards my writing continued education: memoir fund
Thank you for your support!
Sending love from one of your AWR community members. This is all very real and very upsetting. I appreciate the honesty. I always appreciate what you have to say. I’m glad you were back at your writing today. Sometimes the best we can do is take care of our imperfect selves. One moment at a time.
I'm glad you were able to get back to work. Thinking about all the racism and misogyny that will get flung Kamala's way also makes me nauseous. She also offers the first glimmer of hope I've felt in a while. One foot in front of the other!