This is so real and raw. Thank you for sharing. I had to deal with a sibling with bipolar disorder, for years before a diagnosis. Growing up was like walking on eggshells but my mother pampered him. He will be 52 soon and he is still a child, who is never at fault. And my mother still enables him.
I mention all this to say that setting hard boundaries with him is necessary, and you are doing right by him by settling them. You do not deserve to be spoken to that way. Yes, some of it may be his disability. But you still deserve better. 💛💛💛
Some people have to learn the hard way, but they still learn. You are doing the right things.
It’s a tough call. But because I have two on the spectrum, and I take care of my mother, it was either boundaries or die.
I understand how your mother feels. She won’t be here forever. That’s something to consider. Feel free to send her this post, if you think it will help.
Your piece touched my soul. It reflects what I've been enduring for thirty years. My son is now forty living at home, in the garage studio we built out for him. Years of alcohol, drugs, jail, homelessness, have drained me in ways I'd not thought possible. It's not over and I have accepted that it will end only when one of us passes on. My husband and I are loving him by not trying to change him anymore. Doesn't work. Like you, we tried everything when he was young but he chose another path.
We love him but we don't like him most of the time. Thank you for sharing and stay strong.
Ooh! I feel you. My husband and I are not really on the same page, which makes this harder. I love him deeply, and same, he’s hard to like most of the time.
I’ve been in this turmoil lately too. I wake in the middle of the night often worried spinning out trying to figure out a new way to approach my mostly silent son. Thank you for sharing as it’s inspiring me to share too.
People encourage us to set boundaries, but don't have suggestions for handling loved ones who don't respect boundaries. It's painful when those people are your children and grandchildren, who are deep in your heart.
It’s very difficult Flora. It takes strength to hold them. It may mean limiting their access to you. I have to block some of my sons phone calls. He also can not live with me. It hurts me probably more than it hurts him.
I know you're right and I don't blame you for limiting access.
My life took a turn when my second daughter (52 yrs old) recently had a meltdown at Thanksgiving and accused me of not welcoming her to the dining room table for dinner. What?? She ostensibly got upset that we had invited a friend of my youngest daughter (42 yrs old) his mom and adult son to join our family for dinner. The friend loves to cook and brought over half of the dinner. (Some of my family thinks holiday gatherings should be for family only unless THEY bring some random people without asking. As it turns out, this time my grandson brought their dog without asking. I didn't even know they had a dog.)
But the true cause of her upset was much deeper than that because her son (my 34 year-old grandson) drank beer offered to everyone at the gathering and she decided that we were being irresponsible to offer him any alcohol since he was going to have to drive 30 miles drive with his wife and 3 kids. She spent the bulk of her time arguing loudly on the patio with my grandson about drinking, while we were prepping the table to serve. (She's usually soft-spoken at least on the surface)
She paused long enough for the family to come to the dining room to take our traditional photo before dinner gathered around the table, and then went promptly back to the patio to continue arguing with my grandson while the rest of us sat down at the table and began to serve. It was very upsetting because they were loud and it began to frighten me because they kept getting louder and louder. When I asked my grandson to tone it down because he was stressing me out, he blurted back, "You're too old to be getting stressed." What?? Loud AND disrespectul?
I was ready to kick them both out especially since I've been managing a number of health challenges for the past 5 years and had just had surgery in April, and several other energy-draining experiences in the months since (one of which was flying up to spend a week with this same daughter in July following her gall bladder surgery because none of her 3 kids could go.)
The worst part were days after Thanksgiving when I posted our family photo on Facebook as I have done for years. My daughter#2 responded in the comments that the picture was faking family happiness because she and her kids had no seats around the table and didn't even get to eat. What??? As soon as we took the photos, she and her son left the dining room and went back to the patio to resume arguing. My great grandkids (seven kids ages 5-10) had asked us to set up tables on the patio, for them, so my granddaughter (35) fixed and served their plates. They were the happiest folks at the event.
If I had been a guest at my Thanksgiving dinner this year, I would have decided never to visit this family again.
I know some families routinely have big family blowouts, sometimes even fights that warrant calling the police. But in my 80 years I have never had that experience because over the years I've drawn boundaries on family and friends that I knew were incendiary and relish in raising hell. I never thought it would be my daughter#2 and her oldest son who would explode.
It's clear there is a back story of which I'm unaware and where I'm definitely the villain. At least I convinced my daughter to move the discussion off Facebook to a private chat. She didn't realize or care at the moment that my grandkids' careers and even hers could be affected if their bosses, coworkers or just haters read into what she was sharing to decide they were unstable or worse.
I've been shaken about it ever since trying to decide the next steps. I did send a message to my grandkids that they are old enough to host the holiday dinners now and that I would look forward to receiving their invites with the details for all future holidays.
My grandson and I have had a few cordial exchanges via text messages since then, but his mom (my daughter) is still upset and communicating with me less than ever which wasn't a lot before. They celebrated Christmas at my grandson's house, although I wasn't formally invited but I could have gone, but had endured enough family togetherness, so I chose peace and quiet at home where my youngest daughter and her boyfriend joined me. Whew! Let's say this year I had Hoppy Hellavudays!
I’m sorry you had to deal with this. Your daughter sounds she was deeply triggered by the drinking. But you can’t control grown folks and no amount of yelling at another adult will change their minds.
At this point in your life, you deserve peace and tranquility. I hope you take care of yourself first and foremost. Sending you love ♥️
It's weird - I've been reading your work for years. I think I started when my own son was 13 or 14. He's almost 23 now. I loved reading your work as your life seemed like a crystal ball as to what was to come. I'll be honest though that I was often left with feelings of dread - but tried even harder in hopes that things would turn out differently. His story took a very dark turn that left his three sisters and I with PTSD. Two of his sisters were only 3 and 6 years old, so it caused a cascade of challenges for them. He went on to not only have these feelings of superiority and entitlement, but developed schizophrenia as well. He moved into a group home and I had to keep my phone off most of the time as just hearing it ring or vibrate would make me panic and be unable to function. The grief is so very real. It just sucks as we have this grief we can't fully own - and we definitely don't have anyone supporting us or bringing us a casserole.
I don't know if I should apologize or hug you. I'm sorry this is your reality. I'm sorry for what your girls were put through. This is heartbreaking. I wish I could fix it, or change it, to make it less painful.
I've come to terms with what is not within my control. I hope that our story makes you feel a little less alone. I still cry tears of grief for what I wish for my son.
He is doing okay in this moment. I am lonely for him, but he is not lonely. My feelings are not his, and his are not mine. I know for sure that we both gave them our best. That's all we could do.
Whew, Karen. I am always in awe of how vulnerably and transparently you write about your relationship with and feelings towards your son. It isn't easy, and you're writing your way through it while letting us in as well. I hope that one day in the near future, this isn't your story.
This reminds me of the book title , Your Blues Ain't Like Mine, by Bebe Moore Campbell -because it is so true, your love ain't like mine, my blues ain't like yours, but we can still relate! Thanks for this
Thank you. I was enthralled by her book, 72 hour Hold about the shortcomings of the mental health system, and parents desperation to help their young adults with mental illnesses. I read it years ago. I’ll never forget it.
I would love to collaborate on something with you. I haven’t read very much fiction in recent years. I don’t know a lot about BB. I don’t remember “Her Blues,” but I’m sure I read it. I do remember the themes in 72 hour hold and it was based on her experiences with her daughter and how f*#%ed up our mental health system is. I know her daughter got hooked on drugs, she was an actress , I know BB did some advocacy in the mental health community.
I want to share how devastatingly beautiful this is—beautiful because this post is all about love. Pure love. The kind of love, really, that only parents who are privileged to have children with special needs truly understand the depths of.
This was a vulnerable piece, Karen. It had an impact on me. Thank you.
Wow Karen, thank you for being so vulnerable and raw. I’m sending you some love and hugs. I know as a mom this is hard but I pray you find peace in knowing that despite the walls you put up they are in the name of love. Giving it to God is sometimes all we can do. Also your note from your younger son, hold on to those words because it’s true.
This is so real and raw. Thank you for sharing. I had to deal with a sibling with bipolar disorder, for years before a diagnosis. Growing up was like walking on eggshells but my mother pampered him. He will be 52 soon and he is still a child, who is never at fault. And my mother still enables him.
I mention all this to say that setting hard boundaries with him is necessary, and you are doing right by him by settling them. You do not deserve to be spoken to that way. Yes, some of it may be his disability. But you still deserve better. 💛💛💛
Some people have to learn the hard way, but they still learn. You are doing the right things.
It’s a tough call. But because I have two on the spectrum, and I take care of my mother, it was either boundaries or die.
I understand how your mother feels. She won’t be here forever. That’s something to consider. Feel free to send her this post, if you think it will help.
Your piece touched my soul. It reflects what I've been enduring for thirty years. My son is now forty living at home, in the garage studio we built out for him. Years of alcohol, drugs, jail, homelessness, have drained me in ways I'd not thought possible. It's not over and I have accepted that it will end only when one of us passes on. My husband and I are loving him by not trying to change him anymore. Doesn't work. Like you, we tried everything when he was young but he chose another path.
We love him but we don't like him most of the time. Thank you for sharing and stay strong.
I hope you get in some time for self-care and moments of peace.
Ooh! I feel you. My husband and I are not really on the same page, which makes this harder. I love him deeply, and same, he’s hard to like most of the time.
I’ve been in this turmoil lately too. I wake in the middle of the night often worried spinning out trying to figure out a new way to approach my mostly silent son. Thank you for sharing as it’s inspiring me to share too.
Love you friend.
you’re not alone. Thank you for putting these things into words. I am hoping and praying for the best with my son too. 💕
Thank you. Sometimes, it feels very lonely. Wishing you the best with your son.
Sending love Karen. From my mom heart to yours.
Thank you Wendy ♥️
People encourage us to set boundaries, but don't have suggestions for handling loved ones who don't respect boundaries. It's painful when those people are your children and grandchildren, who are deep in your heart.
It’s very difficult Flora. It takes strength to hold them. It may mean limiting their access to you. I have to block some of my sons phone calls. He also can not live with me. It hurts me probably more than it hurts him.
I know you're right and I don't blame you for limiting access.
My life took a turn when my second daughter (52 yrs old) recently had a meltdown at Thanksgiving and accused me of not welcoming her to the dining room table for dinner. What?? She ostensibly got upset that we had invited a friend of my youngest daughter (42 yrs old) his mom and adult son to join our family for dinner. The friend loves to cook and brought over half of the dinner. (Some of my family thinks holiday gatherings should be for family only unless THEY bring some random people without asking. As it turns out, this time my grandson brought their dog without asking. I didn't even know they had a dog.)
But the true cause of her upset was much deeper than that because her son (my 34 year-old grandson) drank beer offered to everyone at the gathering and she decided that we were being irresponsible to offer him any alcohol since he was going to have to drive 30 miles drive with his wife and 3 kids. She spent the bulk of her time arguing loudly on the patio with my grandson about drinking, while we were prepping the table to serve. (She's usually soft-spoken at least on the surface)
She paused long enough for the family to come to the dining room to take our traditional photo before dinner gathered around the table, and then went promptly back to the patio to continue arguing with my grandson while the rest of us sat down at the table and began to serve. It was very upsetting because they were loud and it began to frighten me because they kept getting louder and louder. When I asked my grandson to tone it down because he was stressing me out, he blurted back, "You're too old to be getting stressed." What?? Loud AND disrespectul?
I was ready to kick them both out especially since I've been managing a number of health challenges for the past 5 years and had just had surgery in April, and several other energy-draining experiences in the months since (one of which was flying up to spend a week with this same daughter in July following her gall bladder surgery because none of her 3 kids could go.)
The worst part were days after Thanksgiving when I posted our family photo on Facebook as I have done for years. My daughter#2 responded in the comments that the picture was faking family happiness because she and her kids had no seats around the table and didn't even get to eat. What??? As soon as we took the photos, she and her son left the dining room and went back to the patio to resume arguing. My great grandkids (seven kids ages 5-10) had asked us to set up tables on the patio, for them, so my granddaughter (35) fixed and served their plates. They were the happiest folks at the event.
If I had been a guest at my Thanksgiving dinner this year, I would have decided never to visit this family again.
I know some families routinely have big family blowouts, sometimes even fights that warrant calling the police. But in my 80 years I have never had that experience because over the years I've drawn boundaries on family and friends that I knew were incendiary and relish in raising hell. I never thought it would be my daughter#2 and her oldest son who would explode.
It's clear there is a back story of which I'm unaware and where I'm definitely the villain. At least I convinced my daughter to move the discussion off Facebook to a private chat. She didn't realize or care at the moment that my grandkids' careers and even hers could be affected if their bosses, coworkers or just haters read into what she was sharing to decide they were unstable or worse.
I've been shaken about it ever since trying to decide the next steps. I did send a message to my grandkids that they are old enough to host the holiday dinners now and that I would look forward to receiving their invites with the details for all future holidays.
My grandson and I have had a few cordial exchanges via text messages since then, but his mom (my daughter) is still upset and communicating with me less than ever which wasn't a lot before. They celebrated Christmas at my grandson's house, although I wasn't formally invited but I could have gone, but had endured enough family togetherness, so I chose peace and quiet at home where my youngest daughter and her boyfriend joined me. Whew! Let's say this year I had Hoppy Hellavudays!
I’m sorry you had to deal with this. Your daughter sounds she was deeply triggered by the drinking. But you can’t control grown folks and no amount of yelling at another adult will change their minds.
At this point in your life, you deserve peace and tranquility. I hope you take care of yourself first and foremost. Sending you love ♥️
It's weird - I've been reading your work for years. I think I started when my own son was 13 or 14. He's almost 23 now. I loved reading your work as your life seemed like a crystal ball as to what was to come. I'll be honest though that I was often left with feelings of dread - but tried even harder in hopes that things would turn out differently. His story took a very dark turn that left his three sisters and I with PTSD. Two of his sisters were only 3 and 6 years old, so it caused a cascade of challenges for them. He went on to not only have these feelings of superiority and entitlement, but developed schizophrenia as well. He moved into a group home and I had to keep my phone off most of the time as just hearing it ring or vibrate would make me panic and be unable to function. The grief is so very real. It just sucks as we have this grief we can't fully own - and we definitely don't have anyone supporting us or bringing us a casserole.
I don't know if I should apologize or hug you. I'm sorry this is your reality. I'm sorry for what your girls were put through. This is heartbreaking. I wish I could fix it, or change it, to make it less painful.
I've come to terms with what is not within my control. I hope that our story makes you feel a little less alone. I still cry tears of grief for what I wish for my son.
He is doing okay in this moment. I am lonely for him, but he is not lonely. My feelings are not his, and his are not mine. I know for sure that we both gave them our best. That's all we could do.
It can indeed be tough for parents with children who are suffering from challenging or limiting mental health disorders.
Really sorry that you're going through such emotional hardship, Karen.
Thank you. I work really hard at finding happiness within myself.
God bless you Karen! Stay in your power!! Unconditional love is challenging; even with our children!! 🙏🏼💜🕯️
Thank you ❤️
You sound like an amazing mom, and your post touched me deeply. Thank you for sharing 🙏🏾
Thank you. I just peeked through your Substack. I will go back and read more.
Consider joining @lockedin a writing group for biopic writers. They have a write-in session tomorrow morning. I will send you a link. 🔗
Whew, Karen. I am always in awe of how vulnerably and transparently you write about your relationship with and feelings towards your son. It isn't easy, and you're writing your way through it while letting us in as well. I hope that one day in the near future, this isn't your story.
Thank you. This week it is slightly better. Mostly because my boundaries are stronger than ever. I give myself space. ♥️
So raw. Vulnerability as such is the only way to heal🤎
Thank you ♥️
Me and my son. And my (step)daughter. Heartbreaking. Wise. Beautiful. Insightful. THANKS YOU!
This is my favorite comment yet. This is why I live and write.
This is why I . . . do anything, I hope: to bring a photon or two of light to another person. (Even if I mistakenly add an “s” to “thank”!)
I love it! 🤗
This reminds me of the book title , Your Blues Ain't Like Mine, by Bebe Moore Campbell -because it is so true, your love ain't like mine, my blues ain't like yours, but we can still relate! Thanks for this
Thank you. I was enthralled by her book, 72 hour Hold about the shortcomings of the mental health system, and parents desperation to help their young adults with mental illnesses. I read it years ago. I’ll never forget it.
That is a very good book, but I am biased - I like all of her books - and we should do a collaboration on her. Thoughts? I would love that!
I would love to collaborate on something with you. I haven’t read very much fiction in recent years. I don’t know a lot about BB. I don’t remember “Her Blues,” but I’m sure I read it. I do remember the themes in 72 hour hold and it was based on her experiences with her daughter and how f*#%ed up our mental health system is. I know her daughter got hooked on drugs, she was an actress , I know BB did some advocacy in the mental health community.
DM me if you want to discuss.
I want to share how devastatingly beautiful this is—beautiful because this post is all about love. Pure love. The kind of love, really, that only parents who are privileged to have children with special needs truly understand the depths of.
This was a vulnerable piece, Karen. It had an impact on me. Thank you.
Wow Karen, thank you for being so vulnerable and raw. I’m sending you some love and hugs. I know as a mom this is hard but I pray you find peace in knowing that despite the walls you put up they are in the name of love. Giving it to God is sometimes all we can do. Also your note from your younger son, hold on to those words because it’s true.
Thank you Kristian ♥️ I appreciate your kind words. 🙏🏽